I don't know if this will be the most relevant of all the blog posts. And by relevance I am referring to how directly they are linked to the course readings. But this is directly linked to the course materials that we have been focusing on, and it certainly has a psychological dimension. So, here we go...
It's about a film. A film about cancer. And the environment.
I found it very difficult to watch, not only because of the massive injustices and insanities being exposed, but also for very individualistic feelings of worrying about my own health and the health of those that I love. I wont lie. It scared me. (The film is called Living Downstream and is based on a book by Sandra Steingraber).
But I am actually writing enough about the film for a class assignment, so I am going to talk about something a little bit different here. I want to examine not only my own emotions that came up during the film, but the psychological dimension of giving and receiving feedback and/or criticism.
Here's the context: I thought the film was scary. I felt fear, anxiety and thought many scenes were ominous and foreboding. My heart rate actually increased and I could feel physical feelings of anxiety creeping into me during certain scenes. I thought that the use of fear was intentional and that it was a strategy being employed by the writer of the book and the filmmaker.
So, I set about helping to write a group paper about how it is using fear, which can lead to anxiety and denial in viewers that already are shutting off from this sort of issue. But then this morning we had a Skype call with the filmmaker. And she seemed so lovely. I couldn't help but think, "what a sweetie". And when someone asked her if it was meant to be scary, she said that no, it wasn't supposed to be scary at all. And then this evening she sent an email saying that she had been taken aback by that question and that she was certainly not intending to scare people. The tone of her email was almost apologetic and I really related to that feeling. She mentioned that she felt criticism about her work quite acutely. I feel the same way.
So now, because I liked her (over skype), and I can relate to what she was saying in her email, I don't want to criticize the film. On a rational level I know that it isn't a personal thing, and my graphic design background drilled it into my head that criticizing other's work is just a part of life, and should not be taken personally. But, on a gut level I don't want to write what I really felt about the film, based on what she has said that her intentions were. It's an interesting psychological shift that I am noticing in myself. I had no problem with looking at the film through an incredibly critical eye before I had a face to a name and she became a real person. It shouldn't make a difference, but it does. It changes something viscerally inside, and my academic guard goes down, letting my emotional side out.
That being said, she did mention anxiety as one of the intended outcomes, which one could argue is very closely related to a feeling of fear...
Also, and this is what I will end with, my frame and lenses could be quite skewed right now. I have spent the past week and a half immersed in studying the psychology around fear, denial, loss etc. and I knew that we were watching the film with a critical eye and would have to write a paper about it. I also knew that the paper would have to do with course material (which has been a lot of fear, denial, loss etc), so it is quite possible that I watched the film with lenses on that only allowed me to see it in that way. Perhaps on a different day I would have been way more focused on the hopeful and uplifting messages. I'm sure there is some amazing psychological theory that I could relate this to, and a perfect reading to cite, but at this moment I am too tired and bed is calling my name. I just needed a place to share these thoughts as they have been consuming my mind while I try to work through this assignment from this new place where I no longer feel completely genuine.
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